What Is True Love?

What is genuine love?
The co-author of Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships, Dr. Lisa Firestone, frequently asserts that thinking of love as a verb is the most effective approach. To thrive, love is dynamic and requires action. “Frequently, we spend our time worrying about what our partner feels toward us or how the relationship looks from the outside,” Dr. Firestone wrote in a piece. Even though it is a good feeling to be loved by another person, each of us can only really feel the love that another person has for us. We need to act in a loving way in order to connect with and maintain those feelings of love within ourselves. We might be living a fantasy otherwise.

Accepting that we only have control over ourselves in a relationship is actually quite empowering, despite the fact that it can sometimes be frustrating. We control our portion of the dynamic. As a result, we have the option of expressing our feelings of love, compassion, affection, respect, and kindness or engaging in actions that hinder intimacy. It is beneficial to examine the characteristics that Dr. Robert and Lisa Firestone discovered to be essential to maintaining truly loving relationships over more than 30 years of studying couples in order to consciously and consistently choose the latter.

The "Couples Interactions Chart," which was created by the father and daughter research team, contrasts the characteristics of an ideal relationship with those of what Dr. Robert Firestone referred to as a "fantasy bond." The "illusion of connection and closeness" that "allows couples to maintain an imagination of love and loving while preserving emotional distance" is known as the "fantasy bond." When couples substitute real love and closeness for the feeling of being in a relationship, they form a fantasy bond. People's feelings of excitement and attraction are diminished by this bond.

How a Real Love Compares to a Fictional Bond Openness and non-defensiveness versus angry responses to feedback are hallmarks of a loving relationship. To keep their relationship close, couples should be open with one another. This means being willing to hear each other's feedback without being defensive or discouraged. According to Dr. Lisa Firestone, couples should look for the kernel of truth in their partner's words. That truth may provide an important clue as to the ways in which we may be ignoring our partner. Listening to our partner naturally makes them feel seen, heard, and cared about, even if we don't agree with everything. However, if we punish our partner for being open and honest with us, communication is cut off.

2. Open to new experiences versus closed to them A relationship thrives when both parties are in touch with a vibrant, vulnerable, and open side of themselves that is open to new experiences. We don't have to love and participate in everything that our partner enjoys; however, trying new things, going to new places, and breaking routines often give a relationship new life and make it feel fresh to both of us.

3. Deception and duplicity versus honesty and integrity Most of us are taught to tell the truth from a young age. However, in our adult relationships, there may be a lot of deception. We do them, our relationship, and ourselves a great disservice when we lie to our partner. We must trust our partner in order to feel vulnerable with them, and this can only be accomplished through honesty.

4. Respect for the other person's boundaries, priorities, and goals versus overstepping them To avoid a fantasy bond, we must view the other person as distinct from us. Respecting them as a distinct, independent individual is necessary for this. Couples frequently adopt roles or contribute to power dynamics. We might instruct one another on how to act or behave. Alternately, we might speak for and about one another in a way that restricts or defines us. In essence, we view them as a part of us rather than as distinct individuals. As a result, our own attraction to them actually decreases. "We treat the other person like our right arm," says Dr. Lisa Firestone. Then they are no more attractive to us than our right arm is to us.

5. How to Find LoveAffection is a big part of how we show love. Physical affection and personal sexuality vs. lack of affection and inadequate, impersonal, or routine sexuality We tend to end a relationship when we isolate ourselves from feelings of affection. Our relationship with our partner suffers as a result of this. Sexuality can become routine or impersonal, making both partners feel further apart and less content. Keeping in touch with a part of ourselves that longs for and is willing to give and receive affection is essential to maintaining love.