Can we be Addicted to Painful Relationships?

As odd as it may sound, the answer is a simple and resounding Yes. We can be addicted to people who hurt us just like we can be addicted to drugs, alcohol, food, gambling, etc.

Let’s first clarify what Addiction means and how this works in relationships. Addiction is the state of being where you become enslaved to a habit or compulsive and damaging behaviors. This can be with a “substance”, a “person”, or a “behavior” that initially provided us that proverbial high but only does so now intermittently.

That is what makes addiction so powerful. The reward is not given consistently and since we need a greater amount of it to get the same pleasure, we become enslaved to trying even harder to get the prize. Sound familiar?

Say you meet someone and feel this fabulous, magnetic chemistry with him or her. They are charming, loads of fun, and embody what seems to be pretty much everything you’ve been looking for on your wish list. Things are going great and you think about them day and night. You wake up happy and suddenly the world has a new glow about it. Life is definitely worth living! You wonder how you could ever exist without this fabulous person in your life.

Let’s fast-forward a bit. Now you’re at the point where your special someone’s attention seems to be waning and you don’t feel as connected as before. Maybe you’re not seeing each other as much. Maybe they don’t do all the nice things for you like they used to. You are no longer the center of their universe even though they continue to be yours. You’re not feeling too happy about the state of your relationship and you start wondering what went wrong. Did you do something to make them lose interest in showering you with attention?

You may start to feel a bit insecure. You may ask lots of questions and wonder what you can do to reignite their interest and bring the relationship back to when the fire was still sizzling. The more distant your love interest becomes, the more you start to pursue and please. Sometimes you even compromise your values just to win them back. You do whatever it takes to make them happy and want to be with you once again. You begin to accept and tolerate much less than what you deserve. You feel confused and willing to do whatever it takes to sustain that initial ‘high’ of the relationship. Sound familiar?

Instead of spending your days and nights will a big grin on your face, you are now tossing and turning. You can’t sleep at all. You are eating too much or nothing at all. You can’t keep your mind on work or anything other than the relationship. You go over your conversations and interactions in excruciating detail trying to analyze what was said, how it was said, what did it all mean. What happened? How can I get it back to where it was?

You are now consumed with thoughts of your love interest and try to do whatever it takes to get back to how it was. Even if they are mistreating you, being disrespectful, and causing you loads of emotional or even physical pain, you continue to compulsively pursue them. This relationship, this person is the same as any drug that once gave you that first rush/intense pleasure. Your friends and family may point out the obvious but you may ignore it. Seeking that rush is more important than anything else. Are you still with me here?

You are now addicted to a painful relationship. There is no more ‘high’ only the fantasy and hope of attaining it again; but at what cost?

The first step to breaking this addiction is to recognize the repeating pattern of being drawn to painful relationships and then seeking assistance. There are 12 Step programs for relationships available in the community or you may choose to work with a professional relationship coach or psychotherapist. Remember, we don’t have the power to change anyone else, only ourselves.